OK. Who is Chuck Tingle, you ask? Go read this piece I did for the Guardian, then come back.
I wrote in that Guardian piece I had 2,000 or so words of Chuck Tingle interview notes that probably people wouldn’t want to be subjected to. I got enough messages saying people would like to see it to make it worth sticking up here. Note: this interview was conducted at the end of April. So… dive in:
David Barnett: Chuck Tingle – are you real? Really real? Who’s actually behind Chuck Tingle?
Chuck Tingle: yes i am a real man name of chuck last name is PENNAME which is way for doctors to hide away as secret buckaroos (like handsome DANIELS CRAIG 007 in the movie BOBS BIG SECERT and SPY ANOTHER SPY). please resepct my privacy as a doctor this means i have to use penname thats what handsome son (name of jon) says. says “listen up dad you gotta say SECRET is you want to write books that make buckaroos FEEL tingled this is just the way of buds. your a speical man chuck!” so I said okay so this is my life now just writing as a secert man and thats okay thats the only way to respect my privacy (as a hard bud and doctor).
DB: Why do you write the books you do? A reaction against the proliferation of “dinosaur erotica”, right?
CT: No not a reaction just what i like to do. always liked to wrtie stories that made me feel weird like a little tingle in my belly made me laugh sometimes but then sometimes more than a laugh. MORE IMPORTANT reason to write tinglers is to prove that love is real for all who kiss. saw a man on TV talking about buds kissing buds and he said “oh whats gonna happen if we let buds kiss buds whats next are they gonna kiss PLANES TOO?” so i thought “YES ALL LOVE IS REAL WE SHOULD KISS PLANES because they are HANDSOME.” this is the key to all sucess as an author always write to PROVE LOVE IS REAL as a scientific man. even if you have a scary story where bad things happen and twists and turns you have to write with love and that is what matters. proliferaton on DINOSAURS is a good thing as long as it makes buckaroos realize that love is real.
DB: So… are you deadly serious? Or are you, as we Brits say, taking the piss?
CT: thank you thats a funny word but NOT GONNA HAPPEN buddy (HAHAHA) please understand love is real so if you think “hey this doctor is a funny man” that is okay but also if you understand that the tingleverse is very serious that is okay too. point is READING is more than just flipping pages you have to understand that love is the soul of books so this right now is PART OF BOOKS because you are reading the words of (man name of chuck) in the top layer of the tingleverse. sometimes i watch TV and it makes me a hard man and thas good times (maybe with some buds after the gym just hanging out you know? guy stuff like rubbing down our calves in a normal way) so you watch TV and see the show and then THATS THAT all done. but with BOOKS thats just part of your life as a buckaroo you know you walk around and it MAKES LOVE REAL for your whole day maybe a week if youre a slow reader like me. then you get to EXPREINCE them. thanks.
DB: Are you Theodore Beale aka Vox Day?
CT: no i am man (name of chuck). i dont know these scoundrels but sounds like they are in league with Ted Cobbler this is bad news bears. good thing devilmen always lose when love is real even when they have a big knife like truckman or a purse full of snakes like FANCY (just kidding i put snakes in facys purse now shes mad at me then i stole her purse and buried it in the park, jokes on you buckaroo). sounds like these scoundrels are trying to hack the mainfame and prove love is NOT real but too bad buddy LOVE IS REAL now you messed with the wrong bud.
DB: What do you think of your Hugo nomination?
CT: HUGOS AWARD is best way of nomination for a HARD BUD who is the best author in billings and now maybe best in the world. this makes me a very happy man and makes me want to trot around strutting my stuff. first things first, celebrated with a big bowl of spagetti and a chocolate milke with my son (name of jon he is VERY handsome and spends alot of time at the gym looks really good in a way that is NORMAL for dads and sons nothing weird) then we talked about it and he said “dad you are going to get a lot of attention now is that going to be okay?” so i said YES THIS PROVES LOVE and its okay as long as they respect my privacy as a doctor.
DB: Are you affiliated with the Sad and/or Rabid Puppies?
CT: dont know what this is but puppy control is a DARK MAGIC tactic around the neiborhood this is probably a ted cobbler move and part of his antibuckaroo/scoundrelagenda. this is BILLINGS HIGH ALERT and should be handled very seriously. sometimes i have bird spells where i talk to the birds and find out gossip from the neibhorhood (this is very high level spell) and sometimes they talk back so this is probably a same kind of spell but for dark wizards like ted cobbler (notorious scoundrel)
DB: You turned out a Hugo themed book pretty quickly after your nomination… how’d that come about?
CT: well most important way to prove love is to WRITE YOUR BUTT’S HEART so just think about what makes you tingle as a hard man and then write that. so I was thinking about my life in my morning excersives that make me a centered man then i thought well there is this award that makes me FEEL HARD and i should probably write about that. then i saw the award and thought WHOA BUD THAT MAKES ME HARD AS ROCKS and then it was pretty easy to talk about how this is a nice thing for all buckaroos.
DB: What do you think of the Puppies’ factions bids to “game” the Hugos?
CT: well thats okay to think things are a game because games make buds hard (like wrestling in the dark or just casual horseplay with a few true bucks) so I UNDERSTAND that sometimes awards can be fun like a game like you want to get your buds up there on the stage and maybe think about how hard their bodies are going to get under the spotlight. but rumor is this is DARK MAGIC and part of the antibuckaroo agenda which is not nice and does not prove love is real. so if bad dogs are on the prowl trying to prove love is not real you gotta say “NO WAY BUDDY NOT THIS TIME NOW YOU KNOW LOVE IS REAL” so thats really the only real anwser is to say love is real and tell the dogs to go home then say “come back when you want to play catch with a stick (or other games of sport)”
DB: How did you celebrate your Hugo nomination?
CT: went out and got choclate milk and spagetti with son had lots of big bowls and got in a BAD WAY like a sick man but it was okay because i am a proud dad and son name of jon took care of me. then we went home and I watched my favortie movie SPECIAL MIKE: A DANCER’S DREAM STORY then we watched another movie called FOOTBALL MAN which was boring (thought iwas about hard guys rough housing in the grass just learning their bodies in front of the crowd but it was jsut WILL SMITHS yelling and crying dont really understand but thats okay two stars way up)
DB: Do you know how many books you’ve sold? Care to share?
CT: dont know how many books but probably a lot because son name of jon is very proud of me and makes me feel like a sepcial dad espcially now that i have my award coming on day. used to feel like a lonesome man listening to the trains whistle staring out the window at night and thinking about sweet barbara now I know that I can be a proud man and maybe one day be cool as ice like my son (he has a COOL WAY) so now im pretty cool guy and have a big bank account( seperate from other checks that pay for house and food, this one is just for me son set it up) and then in the new bank account i have ALL THIS MONEY SAVED UP so maybe one day i could buy a house on the hill or maybe use it to because VICEMAN presdient of the usa. son said this is a LOT of money can could probably get a nice house but then i wouldent be able to walk to starbucks in the morning with my handsome son.
DB: What animal or inanimate object have you yet to write about giving you one up the arse that you’ve not yet got around to?
CT: good thing about making love real is that all object that UNDERSTAND love can MAKE LOVE REAL so this means that you can be pounded by dinosaurs or unicorns or even the concept of dionsaurs or unicorns just things that dont exhist on this layer of the tingleverse. because there are infine layers of the tingleverse and this is just the top layer. so the most important thing to remember about GETTING HARD with your buds is that you can get hard however you want as long as it proves love is real and is not part of the devilman agenda (you can still get hard over scoundrels but this does NOT prove love is real and therefore is not truly hard and not the way of true bucks) thanks next question.
DB: How do you do your research? Have you actually had sex with anything non-human?
CT: well best way you research is just to see what makes you feel weird like when you write do you go “oh this makes me want to LEARN my body in the dark (in a normal way)” then if you want to understand yourself and learn your body or learn your reverse twin then you can make that into a tingler. so that is the research that I do just trying ot hide out when my son is at work and the house is quite. so as long as barbara is not talking like marbles in the closet i can have aclear head and sit ON THE BACK PORCH, or UNDER THE BED, or IN THE PANTRY. these are best places to become a calm man and learn what tingles me.
DB: Seriously, are you Vox Day?
CT: please do not call me a devilman scoundrel i dont know this man but he sounds very antibuckaroo and is a possible ted cobbler double agent. please be warned that DEVILMAN SNAKES can strike at any time.
DB: Who buys your books? Describe the typical Chuck Tingle reader.
CT: typical chuck tingle readers are TRUE BUCKAROOS that understand love is real. maybe its a nice lady who wants to have good times after word or maybe its a couple of HARD BUDS who want to explore their bodies (through horseplay or other sport of men) or maybe its just a young buck staring into the void who wants to UNDERSTAND HIMSELF. these are all good things and hopefully tinglers make them understand even more that love is real for all who kiss the sky. love is the soul of books and makes HEARTS SING. so that is the life of all true buckaroos.
DB: Have you got a family? What do they think of your literary career?
CT: i have son name of jon he is the most handsome man and looks great in his new suit i am a very proud dad. also had wife name of barbara but she is now at the bottom of the frozen lake oh god sweet barbara i can still see her staring up at me from the darkness below talking like marbles why god did you take her from me
DB: It’s been suggested your nomination is taking the place of a “real writer”. Do you think you should step down and decline your nomination, now that you’ve had all this publicity?
CT: good days ahead for billings best author (name of chuck) but also hard days because even nice buds can become villians like this. one side is BAD DOGS BLUES and other side is also scoundrel because they talk like they own the joint and say “HEY CHUCK YOUR A BAD WRITER” guess what buckaroo bad writers dont make love real because bad writers dont get that talk talking. sometimes buckaroos get upset about reasons things happen and say oh that means the WHOLE THING IS BAD. like there was this man named COLUMBO who came to ameica and was a bad man (scoundrel like ted cobbler probably WAS ted now that I think on it) and they say “oh well that means we’re ALL bad now”. come on now were not all bad devils we just showed up on the timeline as an innocent buck and now all thats left is to PROVE LOVE IS REAL and fight for love, cant go back gotta go forward with flag of love. in case of HUGOS AWARD scoundrels dont see that this talk right now is part of what makes LOVE REAL for books. love if the soul of books but it is also OUTSIDE OF BOOKS. so most important thing to remember is that devilmen and scoundrels can try to hurt man name of chuck and be online bullys but as a TRUE BUCKAROO i will always prove the love is real.